Breaking: Ugly Man Loud And Wrong

    A new loser dork moron has entered the MAGA scene, or at least my awareness. His name is Brian Glenn and he is exceptionally fugly. 

    If you don’t recognize this enflamed face, he was the reporter that asked President Zelenskyy of Ukraine if he owns a suit during a meeting between the US and Ukraine to discuss the war that began in 2022. You have likely seen some of the now viral clips of yesterday’s abomination of a meeting, but if you haven’t I commend you for being that unplugged. The only way I could be peeled off my phone these days would be if my arms were chopped off at the shoulders, and even then I would probably just use my nubs. Yes, I have a problem but that is a topic for another day.

    Back to this swollen man. Brian Glen is the chief White House correspondent for America’s Voice which, contrary to what it sounds like is not in fact a singing show hosted by Simon Cowell, but a news outlet. I took a gander at the website and was impressed at the layout and graphic design which appears to be a nod to the online slots game, Big Bass Bonanza. Talk about knowing your demographic!

    I don’t want to rip on America’s Voice though. I mean, that’s literally the voice of America. Without them, how will we know that the Democratic Party is in the ICU? Seriously underreported on, in my opinion. Empathy and big-picture thinking is a disease DEMOCRATS, get well soon 💋.

As a chief correspondent for the White House, Brian Glenn has an important job. Or as our Commander in Chief would say, a great big job, maybe the biggest job. And from what little I’ve seen, Mr. Glenn is not effing around. His hard-hitting reporting in the Oval Office yesterday with questions on critical matters such as the business casual versus business formal debate solidified him in my eyes as a reporter that asks the questions that Americans want to know. JUST KIDDDDDDING, I think he’s an absolute loser dork moron, but you guys already knew that. 

    Initially striking was the asininity of the question in contrast to the setting. There’s a lot of preposterous behavior going on these days, and I would like to think that I am prepared for anything but everyday I am proven wrong. The cruelty of his question was not the shocking part, that is a cornerstone of the MAGA movements power tactic. The cruelty was actually very characteristic of Trumpism’s overall culture. What was shocking however, was that Brian Glenn made absolutely no attempt at presenting a remotely intelligent question about anything pertaining to the topic of the meeting, which was negotiation on a minerals extortion deal between the United States and Ukraine, and the conclusion of the ongoing war. 

    Could you imagine if a woman had asked such obtuse a question as that? The most beautiful woman could have asked that question and surely would have been immediately subjected to a firestorm of hurtful remarks, not only about the stupidity of her question, but inevitably about her looks. And yet, here we have Brian Glenn, who is not just a dumbass, but arguably one of the more hideous people I’ve had the misfortune of laying my eyes on. And what do I hear? Crickets. This is the equivalent of coming across a particularly cringe Tik Tok and sprinting to the comments thinking you’ll get a good laugh, only to be sorely disappointed by a stream of positivity. In this instance, I feel like the lone comment that says, “why is nobody hating?” 

    But fear not, Americans! I will fill the gap in reporting. Here to hate in the way only yours truly can. Here are just a few of the thoughts that ran through my head when the camera panned to Brian Glenn.

1. Does he need an EpiPen?

2. He looks pressurized, like if you held a lighter too close to him he might combust.

3. That man looks like he fought a horse and lost

4. It’s February. What does this man look like during allergy season?

5. He looks like me after a night of heavy drinking

6. His eyes look like he had labia majoras skin grafted onto his face

7. Does he know about water?

8. Did he eat a box of table salt for dinner last night?

9. He looks like a baby trying a lemon for the first time, all the time.

10. He looks like me when I took an Orange Theory class when I had mono.

11. Can someone get this man a glass of water?

12. No amount of gua sha could get him out of this mess

   I know, I know what you’re thinking. I can hear it now, “don’t you think it’s shallow to comment on a person’s appearance? You don’t know what he has going on in his personal life”. You’re absolutely correct. It is completely out of line to make judgments on people based on their appearance, especially when you haven’t spent a moment in their shoes. Brian, you hearing this? Zip your puffy little trap coming after Zelenskyy for his outfit when he’s literllllyyyyyy at war. And no, dating Marjorie Taylor Green does not count as knowing real war, although I am sure it feels like it.

    I didn’t want to lay into Brian about his looks without doing my due diligence. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he might just be having a bad face (and body and hair and personality) day, but this was a big meeting and he couldn’t possibly miss it just because he wasn’t looking his best. So I did my research into my new least favorite man. Turns out, that’s just his face. This was also when I found out that Marjorie Taylor Green is his girlfriend and it all started to make sense. 

    Being mean is never cool (I say as I rip into this man I don’t know), but being mean while being ugly is risky. Being mean while ugly and expecting that no one take such an easy shot? Rookie mistake.

                                    Xoxoxo,

                                                    PSYCHOTIC IN CHIEF